So as the final days of my marriage comes to an end. I wanted to reflect a bit and send my wife one last goodbye and thought I would share it with you. Though I did “X” out much of the more personal and private details, I was very open and honest. Maybe you can relate to a few things in your own relationship.
Well, here we are. I have no idea if this email will reach you, or if you will even read it, but I am going to send it in hopes it does and you will. I am sitting here thinking how much of our life we have spent together, 15 years exactly this month we started spending time together, and this coming June it would have been 15 years living together. That’s a long time, a lifetime. I remember when I first saw you, so young and beautiful, but it was more than that, you had such a magnifying personality, and you were such a breath of fresh air to be around. I fell for you the moment I saw you, I had never had that feeling before, I was just to young, stupid, and shy to do anything about it. But I eventually took my chance and those first few months together maybe the best of my life. When I would have to leave you each day, I couldn’t wait to see you again, and I remember us spending every moment we could together. I also remember bonding with XXXX very quickly, she was so small and adorable. And I am so happy those memories haven’t faded for me. Thinking back, it may have been a mistake for us to move in together so quickly, I think we were both in a rut looking for a new start, and we took the first chance we had. I was too young, inexperienced with life, and you had just had a baby, and going through the difficulties of a divorce and all that goes along with that. You know, that has always bothered me a bit, I always wanted you to myself, and to know that I was not your first love, well, anyway I just always wanted that. But if we hadn’t ran away together who knows what would have happened, my guess is we would have drifted apart at some point, but for better or worse we took the plunge and off we went.
I remember the day we left, I don’t think I had ever done a single load of laundry or cooked a single meal in my life. I had just turned 18 and you were 21, we were kids. I had sold my 2 rifles to a buddy for $78, if I remember I had another couple of hundred saved up, and you had just gotten your last check from xxxxxx x xxxxxx, we sure didn’t have much. So we packed a couple of bags each, and you, XXXX, XXXX, and I all packed into your rusted old Dodge Colt since I had sold my car in plans for enlistment, put 15 bucks in the tank and headed for the big city. Luckily your grandfather took us in, not sure we could have done it otherwise. Not sure if I ever told you this but I always had allot of respect for your grandfather XXXXXX, there isn’t anything he wouldn’t have done for you, and he loved you very much. I know how important that is, I had it with my grandfather as well. So here we all are sharing a room in this small house, trying to get started in this huge city. I remember those times as happy times, but in a different way. It was more rushed, had to find a job, had to get an apartment, had to learn to do laundry, it was all new to me. I liked the fact that someone was relying on me though, and I think I did OK back then, and you were always there to support me. We had a real relationship with a whole world in front of us. And a pretty great kid to keep us grounded.
When I think back now to when things started to level off, it was around a year or two into our second apartment, good ol’ West Side Village. It was luxury living compared to what we were used too, we had separate bedrooms, master bath, we were living the dream. I think that was the start of the problem. We both had fairly secure jobs at that point, but with a new home, a toddler, well the responsibilities just kept adding up and so did the pressure. Somehow we became distant, not all at once, but slowly, so slow in fact most people wouldn’t even notice it at first. And maybe that happens with any relationship at a certain point, but it wasn’t the same. But together we worked through it, through better times and the more frequent worse of times. We both began building our careers, both doing very well, and we still enjoyed each other’s company. My favorite memory of those times was us turning on that old bright pink lava lamp we had and a couple of candles, and we would each read in the bed together, until one of us got tired and we would fall asleep together with our legs crossed. Man I would give anything to have that feeling back. I remember you getting dressed each morning for work at that printing company you worked for, you would always wear a nice skirt or blouse, and we would start our day together dropping XXXX off at the day care, and we would actually kiss each other goodbye. That memory is too hard to think about.
I know for a fact my job played a pretty big part in our downfall. Those 10 years really did a number on us. I was so focused and determined to climb my way up, I lost site of certain things. And then you started working their as well, overnights because we had Xxx and we didn’t want or could pay daycare. I think that was a pretty big mistake on our part. If I could go back and change anything, it would be for us not to have worked at the same company, and for you to have kept normal hours. We rarely saw each other, and when we did, most of the time we were exhausted. And I will admit I probably didn’t give you as much attention as you deserved. I have no excuse for that. I should have done better. We both will admit those times were up and down. Those years just seem a fog now.
So then we moved into the house, and I left the job to start my own company. Boy did things turn for the worst quick. I could sit here and write for hours and hours on things we could have done differently. The whole XXXXXXX problem began to surface, and you know it wasn’t so much the XXXXX in my opinion it was the priority of it all. And though it maybe now not nearly as bad as it was, it is probably something XXXXXX XXXX XXXX have to deal with. Though I was proud of the business we created, and the home that we had built for ourselves, our three great children, the problems we were having as a couple was certain disaster for our house of cards. And sure enough the cards tumbled. Mistakes on both our parts, we XXXX XX XXX. The one thing I feel the worst about though was not making sure XXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Maybe things would have been different if that had not been the case. If only we could turn back time.
So here we are. Writing our last chapter.
The last couple of years have been pretty bad, I think we would both agree on that. And the fights within the fights are almost unbearable. So anyway, when I called you on Sunday night I was simply calling to arrange a car schedule for the next day, and I was not trying to get you upset in anyway. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
So to my somewhat amazement I go around to the front of the house through the front door, and low and behold I see XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I just wanted to talk. I have suspected for XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I am always seeing either the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, so I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised. So then you alone come back XXXXXXXXX, and the first thing I see is the XXXXXXX XXXXXXX, and as soon as I mentioned it you had a deer in the headlights look. You see, even earlier in the night when you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, you made sure to XXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX, but with all the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. So what was I suppose to think, you just had a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. On top of that, last week when I asked you if XXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. What was I suppose to think. So after you came back in you looked me square in the eyes and told me XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
You are a very sensitive person, and I know you need a XXXXXXXXXX. And when I thought about it more, so whether it was XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, I just wish you could be honest with me about it. I know we have dealt with this issue many times in the past, and they are never easy, but this time we have been very distant, and haven’t even talked since Christmas, so I thought it would be easier for you to XXXXXXXXXXXXX. I also found XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I really didn’t want to invade your privacy, but I was somewhat upset at the moment and couldn’t resist. The very first page made me sick to my stomach. It reads:
Fri. Sept. 26th
Header Horoscope-“You’ll be in a happy mood regarding that new XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX.”
Sat. Sept. 27th
“Saw Chris today, haven’t seen or talked to him in days, if he had XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.”
“The only person I XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX”. “Not that it matters anyway”.
So XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and I just wish you could be XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Things have been a struggle between us, and I have made my share of mistakes, and XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXX Yes I hid that from you, just like you had XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. But I want you to know that even though what XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Though I can’t say for sure if XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Maybe things would have turned out differently if you had XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. That fiasco with XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX I have to admit I was so shaken with the XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. That was a very dark time for me. But I want you to know, that if I XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, because it wouldn’t make a difference at this point. But I never did, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, I never did.
I also want to comment on a few other things XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. You make reference more than once too the “Old” Chris and “New” Chris. I agree with you, somewhere along the way I changed. I think it started around the time I talked XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, maybe XXXXXXXX, maybe frustration. It’s hard sometimes to remember how I used to be, but I don’t think he is gone, and I hope someday he will return. Because, like you, I also preferred that side of myself, and I am sorry he was not here. To be honest I don’t XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I hope someday to be a better person, and bring that old me back. Time will tell. You also mention that all I care about is XXXXXX, I can’t argue with you on that, it should not have been a priority for me all those years, and there are more important things in life. I think the last few years I have been better, but I guess XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. And finally the hardest for me to xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. That you feel I don’t find XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. That has never been the case. I still and have always found XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
Well, XXXX I feel really bad about that. And I put none of the blame on her. She has had it XXXX XXXXXX. But I want you to know that I always XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and if XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX, we have built her pretty tough, and I think she will do well out their. And though I think XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, I want the best for her and I hope all her dreams come true, I do wish that. And though I don’t know XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. Reading through those XXXXXXXXXXXXX however I have very mixed feelings about XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and I hope that you will respect my feelings about what XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. And I will of course do the same. When we move on with our life they will never wake up with some women to share breakfast with, and they would only ever be introduced to someone if I knew that it was a lasting relationship with a future, I hope you feel the same way. And I want you to know that those kids are my life, just as I was my mothers life, and I will always be their to protect them, and you will always be my family, and my friend, and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. No matter what ever happens between us, whether we are able to even speak or be friends, always know I will do my best to be there for you.
I know that must be hard to believe at this point, especially after all the terrible things we have said to each other. We all say things in the heat of the moment or when we are angry. But after things get settled down, I hope our level of communication will improve. And I hope the standard of perception that XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. We need to make it a point to never be negative towards each other around them. They need to know they can count on us, and love us, and respect us not just as parents but as people. I have shared my feelings for you and them far to infrequent, but they are everything to me, and I want them to be happy, and enjoy the ever so short childhood as much as they can. They are so great, they deserve it.
I know we had talked about me XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I really don’t XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, all I want is a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. The most important of which is your long term plans. I want to try and be as close as possible to the kids and can’t really get a place until I get a sense of your direction. Are you planning on staying in the city, etc.? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. By the way, I see youXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I am also somewhat worried what is going to happen when XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, I’m sure you have a plan, and I will help anyway I can. I would XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. So if by Monday is sufficient I will make it happen.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. But I am asking you to XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX me so we can discuss a few details, and there is no need to talk about water under the bridge. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
It’s going to take me sometime to get on my feet, but I want you to know that I will always be there to support the kids, and will make whatever XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I will also make sure that they have XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX from the get go. I will hopefully be getting into a place almost immediately, though there is a chance it may be XXXXXXXXXX, I will come back as often as I can to get the kids. I will be a big part of their life, and I don’t want to miss a single second of it. I would love it if you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, but I have no control over that, and will respect any decision that you make. It is time for us to start a new chapter, and from the bottom of my heart I want you to be happy. I know deep down you are a good person, and kids love you so much, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX. I think we gave it our best shot keeping this family together, maybe more so than most ever would. And though I have regrets, it’s never to late to make things rite, and even apart we can be a family. I hope someday when we are old and gray we can sit on the porch as grandparents and watch, and be with this wonderful family we have created. I don’t get to say this very often, but we should be so proud of that. So through the goods and the bads we survived each other, we created something beyond words. It was worth it. I will miss it.
Someone wrote once:
“And she is so scared to get close to anyone because everyone that ever said I’ll be there….Left”,
I promise you I wont.
I hope I will hear from you, Those kids in that Old Dodge Colt did OK, we had a hell of a journey.
As I sit here XXXXXXXXXX for the first time since XXXXXX funeral, I will close with the last phrase from XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, as I think nothing Somme’s it up better.
“With out Him I die, but with him I die faster.”